I’m Married But Lonely and Terribly Depressed

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Young African-American woman

So a little background: I came from the US to Nigeria to live in 2011. I met my husband and we got married the following year. We have two children. Truth is, I am not happy here. I terribly miss my family and friends back in the US and my husband’s friends have proven to us that they are not friends.

His mother and family here in this city are also very different to mine and are not loving or caring. The people I met here that I too – quickly called friends, have hurt me a lot and so I’ve distanced myself from most people. I’m so lonely. I’ve been depressed for a while and my husband knows this.

The real issue or rather, the ‘icing on the cake’ now is Sex. Since the beginning of our marriage we have had issues with sex. My husband met me a virgin. I kept myself for the man I would marry. Was I wrong to do so? We have sex like twice a month. nothing more than that. The first major time I brought up the issue in our first year, he stated that he was sure I must have been a loose girl before he met me, because I cared so much about sex! That hurt so much.

We argued to the extent that he hit me and we fought. I have found out on my own on a few occasions that he was watching porn. I confronted him and each time he would apologize. I think he has stopped but I cannot be sure. Each time I confronted him, I would explain the dangers of porn and how it was affecting our marriage and family. He claimed he understood.

I’ve unintentionally broke down in front of him about the issue to which he showed (it seemed) genuine regret. But still no change. The worst thing is that the women in the porn he watches all have big breasts and I don’t. I am now insecure. I’m so sad.

After two children, I still have my nice shape (that I consciously watch as he has said he doesn’t like big women). I dress well and take care of myself. I NEVER deny him of sex. Was that my mistake? I thought sex was best enjoyed and valued in the confines of marriage? And he’s also selfish when it comes to sex. He never allows me to get fully aroused before he penetrates and I always point this out to him to which he apologizes but he keeps doing it anyway.

I’ve tearfully brought this issue up to him too many times to remember and it is horrifying and embarrassing. I never for once thought that I would deal with this in marriage. I feel unwanted and useless. I don’t like how I’m feeling and my loneliness and depression is not helping. I don’t want my kids to remember me as a bitter and distant woman, That’s exactly how I remember my mum and I don’t want to make the same mistakes she made.

Aren’t you supposed to be intimate with your husband?. Is he cheating? He comes home straight after work every day. I feel he is taking me for granted. Is he gay? My main love language is physical touch and he knows this. We are both practicing Christians and I have prayed on this for a long time and nothing. I have reached my limit and as I am, I want to go back to the US with the kids and get my head together. I feel it’s about time I was selfish and did what’s good for my mental health, for the sake of my children.

I mentioned this to him the second to last time I brought it up and he said he would try. I don’t make threats and I intend to do just this unless there’s another way out of this hell. Also, each time I have given birth in the US and came back, he would not have sex with me for 4-5 months. He would also give me excuses during pregnancy. I need practical advice.